Last Wednesday, Bryan and I officially met our doctor. After going over our results from last week and getting a physical exam, we left her with smiles on our faces since everything was normal. Before leaving the office, her staff offered another sonogram, if we had time, to get more measurements on our little one and to also make up for the wait from last week.
After a few minutes of the ultrasound, I had the gut wrenching feeling that something was wrong. Everything we saw looked smaller than before…then the test for a heartbeat. Nothing. I immediately knew that I had a miscarriage, even with all of the pregnancy symptoms and ZERO miscarriage symptoms. Unfortunately for us, we could not get "confirmation" since our doctor went to labor/delivery during the sonogram. We left with unanswered questions and broken hearts.
Hours later, we got the call that it did indeed look like a miscarriage. A "missed miscarriage." Basically, the baby died days before, even though my body was still acting pregnant. My body could have done this for WEEKS, without any clue of having miscarried.
That night was by far the most difficult of my life. Even more so than losing loved ones I had known for years. You truly can not understand the heartbreak, unless you've had a miscarriage of your own. Bryan and I are usually not "criers" but we allowed ourselves to grieve.
The next day, we went in for a second opinion from a specialist and the miscarriage was 100% confirmed. Afterwards, we had three options: miscarry naturally, take a pill, or have a procedure done called a D&C. I did not feel comfortable miscarrying naturally since I would have NO idea when or where it could happen (I had a huge fear it would happen at school as well as getting an infection since it could take weeks to happen) and I've heard that the pill was a painful experience. After speaking to a friend about her experience, I opted for the D&C. The doctor also assured me that the risk of becoming infertile due to the procedure was minimal---this risk is most often associated with later pregnancies in an emergency (I also learned that natural miscarriages also have a risk of infertility due to infection.)
On Friday, after hours of feeling starved, I had the procedure done. It wasn't bad at all, the anesthesia definitely helped! While recovering, I spoke with many nurses. They all shared their stories about their own miscarriages, and the healthy babies they had afterwards. They really do happen much more often than we realize.
I by no means am writing this to receive sympathy. I am simply sharing because it's easier to write about than to talk about. I truly hope that none of my family or friends have to go through this type of heartbreak, but if you do…I am here to talk and to also help you grieve and move on.
We are both still trying to understand and accept everything that's happened in the last five days, but we know that everything happens for a reason. We will appreciate the next pregnancy even more so than the last, and once that baby comes he/she will be cared for with an even deeper love than we could have imagined if we had not survived this difficult experience.
"How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts."
- Dorothy Ferguson
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